My Hell
by lil kagome 15
Summary: I've seen hell, that dark place where no soul can properly breathe, where lives are nothing, and hearts are shattered. I've been there, watching as the one I loved so eagerly led me to slaughter. Was I dead? No, I was living through the hell that no one h
1. I: The Mission

**Title: **My hell

**Athores: **lilkagome

**Warnings: **Some bad langauge, and suicide thoughts.

**Pairings: **S&S, N&H, N&T

**Chapter title: **The mission

**Disclaimer: **Do you think I own it? Yeah... I didn't think so.

**OoO**

I've seen hell, that dark place where no soul can properly breathe, where lives are nothing, and hearts are shattered. I've been there, watching as the one I loved so eagerly led me to slaughter. Was I dead?

No, I was living through the hell that no one had expected, i'm living through the loss of Uchiha Sasuke. I stare up at the darkened sky, only hoping for it to cry so I will not. So much pain cannot be held back for long, we can only hope to die before we spill the truth.

I stand on a bridge, a bridge that holds memories of a time long past, and a heart long smashed. "You were everything." I said in a shallow tone as I threw a rock into the shallow water.

Now-an ANBU ninja- I would have to kill the only one I ever loved, and for what? Spite? No... for law. I sighed as I clenched my fist, yet again fighting off the ever growing amount of unshed tears.

I was a medic nin, and was now going to go on one of the most dangerous, and most heartbreaking missions ever. I held my kunai in my fist, watching as my knuckles turned whit on the cold metal.

"You were never meant to be." I sighed as the small amount of blood ran down the blade of my kunai. "_We_ were never meant to be." I said watching it drip to the ground as I stiffened. "You were never... Mine." I said once more my words falling in the darkness of night, the cold wind hitting my exposed flesh.

The darkness was slowly fading as I made my way to the small house of Naruto. "Hello?" He asked sleepily, scratching the back of his head and yawning as he stood in the doorway in only his boxers. "Tsunade told me to tell you we leave at dawn." I said looking up at him with the stoic expressin I had so grown to hate.

My eyes seemed glazed, my breathing shallow and he looked at me with somthing akin to worry. "Sakura-chan... Are you sure you can handle this?" He asked looking at me though worried eyes. "Of course Naruto... I can do this." I said my eyes deceiveing my words.

"Naruto-kun... where'd you go?" Asked a very qiet Hinata Uzamaki. She came to the door, clad in a white robe. "Sakura-chan needed to tell me somthing about tomorrows mission is all." He replied pulling her close to him, and kissing her forehead.

"I have to go Naruto, see you in the morning." He nodded and I stepped back, letting the door close in on me, once more leaving me to the darkness of hell. I remember crying at Naruto's wedding, sure I was happy for him, and I realize that now, but I couldn't help but to feel lonely.

I had had the chance to be with him, and I had chosen not to, believeing I had made the wrong choice I had gotten drunk, an made a very disastrous profession to Neji, who in turn took me home, and held my hair back as I threw my guts up.

I turned down another dark road of Kanoha, searching for nothign and yet everything at the same time. Was I too naive to be a jounin of my rank? Did I make to hasty of decisions. I'm sure I did, but who could blame me, I had no-one left. My parents had died three months before Naruto's wedding due to an ambush on a B-rank mission.

I still remember that night, the darkness of it all, the hatred formed beneath my skin, the blood running cold and yet at boiling point. Weakness had always been my strongpoint, and I remember crying in the arms of Tsunade-sama as she had told me the devastating news.

So hard was it to forget that I had been decieved a life, in merely a choice. I had slowly become qiet, darkened, my voice hollower, my eyes shallower. The dreams I once had all but shattered as I tore them away like used paper, no longer could I be idealistic, in this cold, deadly, hell of a world.

Time was never on my side, but then again neither was love. I looked ahead, my eyes cold as I searched for the object of my pain, but of course, he would not be there. The dreams were faded, and darkened by his absense, and I no longer believed... No longer hoped for his return, but for his death, and there-after mine.

I want to die by his hands, and know that it's over, that I have no reason to forgive him. I want to feel pain from the wounds that he inflicts, mirroring the pain he inflicts on my heart. I want to stop my love from tormenting me, and the only path to that is destruction.

b

"Kill me!" I screamed, the lighting striking at the same moment, lighting up the darkness that clouded my path. Would I give up? No! The death would come only from rejection, and rejection only from his lips.

The rain started to pour, drowning the cries that seemed so distant, and yet were me all the same. There were no tears staining my face, but the sky seemed to cry them for me. I looked up, my pain vanishing as I saw writen in the clouds a secret no-one else would ever know.

Hell is here, in my heart, hell is me, not just a part. Hell is mine, to deserve, hell is yours to cure.

**OoO**

_**Preview:**_

_"Death brings hope?"_

_"I loved you!"_

_"You always were annoying."_

_"Time has not changed you."_

_"More weary have her eyes become?"_

_"Two times two makes four!"_

_"Blah, Blah, Blah! You make no sense!"_

_"Your crazy!"_

_"I'm dead..."_

_**End Preview**_


	2. II: A Life Without You Is

**Title:** My hell

**Athoress:** lilkagome

**Warnings:** Some bad langauge, and suicide thoughts.

**Pairings:** S&S, N&H, N&T

**Chapter title:** Life without you is...

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing... except my laptop... So no touchy! Grrr! lol, don't sue me!

**Special Thanks To:** Daydreamer53221 My **Beta Reader**! I love you! lol, this story would probably suck without you... luv ya!

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**Updated:** **June 19, 2006**

**Edited Update:** **June 23, 2006**

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**Sakura POV**

The air was crisp and the wind chilled me as I stood on the bridge waiting for Naruto and Neji. I laughed as I thought of how different we had become. Neji had become milder, more attractive if that's possible, and happier now that he started dating TenTen. I was happy for him . . . truly. I was. Naruto had become slower to judge, and more perceptive, his heart taking over where his brain had lacked. I had become stronger in a sense, I had trianed hard with Tsunade, only stopping when I could no longer move. In a way I had matured to, I wasn't the whiny twelve year old I was back then, but the smart, stoic nineteen year old you see today.

Some people may look back on the past and see the wrong and the right, but right now all I see is what was wrong somehow turning right, and what was right now so wrong. It would be so easy to just stop my ranting with the cut of a knife or the slip of a pill, but that would be the cowards way out, and I've never wanted the cowards way out.

I watched as the sky brightened slightly over the horizon. Naruto was coming toward me and his features became highlighted the closer he came. He would make a great Hokage someday, and Tsunade knew this.

When he reached me, he flashed his trademark smile, his blue eyes twinkling with happiness.

"Ohayou, Sakura-chan!" He chirped, his eyes dancing with mirth.

"Ohayou, Naruto-kun." I said in a stoic voice.

"You haven't asked me yet!" He said, his eyes creasing as his smile grew wider.

"What's the news Naruto?" I asked, my eyes searching his features before he even answered.

"I'm going to be a dad!" He screamed, almost hopping up and down in excitement.

"Wow." Was the only reply that came to my mind as I looked at him. Slowly, a smile crept over my features and I gave him a hug.

"I'm so happy for you!" I said and Naruto smiled again. Just as I was about to say something else, Neji came through the bushes.

"Hey." He said flatly, but his eyes held the joy he didn't show. Those eyes, so unique, just like Hinatas' eyes. I loved them. They somehow calmed me, not like Sasukes' eyes.

When I looked into those dark eyes, my whole body would react. My arms would feel weak, my knees like butter, my stomach did cartwheels, and I couldn't think straight. But I had promised myself I wouldn't react this time, for the love of my village, I would not react.

We set out in a hurry, trying to reach the hidden Sound village before Sasuke did. If he did there would be no stopping him from killing the innocent. Life truly wasn't fair, was it? Pain could be given so easily, but for it to be taken away, death was the only cure. Other than love, but love is not as strong, and the healing is long.

I watched a small bird fly up into a tree, chirping slightly as it watched us. Slowly I drifted into a sense of nostalgia remembering all the times team seven had traveled much like this. I remember the birds, ever so watchful, they made sure to keep us from their babies.

If only my parents had been the same way. If only I hadn't become a kunoichi, if only I had never met Sasuke . . . I wouldn't have been hurt this much. But in the end, to avoid the pain, is to avoid the gain. Although I cannot see any gain at this moment. The moment where death is to overpower all.

I shifted as I once more thought of Sasuke, how he used to be so cold, and think I was so annoying. I wonder what he would think of me now . . . nineteen, and still naive as ever. My black top seemed to slacken with the sheen of sweat I had built up from running. But we were no where near our destination yet.

My kunai were safely tucked in their pouch, and I fingered them once more to make sure they were still secure. My eyes were locked on our path, simply following the direction they took, watching from behind, and not seeing everything.

As always . . . I breathed in deeply when I first saw him, his eyes watching us coldly, his expression grave.

"So, they sent you?" He asked and Naruto growled.

"Shut up Sasuke!" He said glaring at him. "Surrender now, or we have been given direct orders to kill you" Naruto once more growled and Sasuke smirked at this statement.

"So you're taking orders now dobe?" Asked Sasuke, malice evident in his tone. Naruto wouldn't wait any longer and rushed in to fight him. It was an awful sight to behold, the blood spilling in puddles from the two people that I had adored most in my life.

I watched as Sasuke tried once more to slash Narutos' face. Neji fought hard to keep him away from me, I was in a stupor, my eyes watching as death came closer for the two I called teammates. All at once I broke out of my stupor, running in and blocking a hit from Sasuke.

"Move back or I'll kill you, too!" He screamed, and threw a kunai toward me.

"With death comes hope!" I screamed, my eyes becoming hard, my expression pained.

"Death brings hope?" He asked, his eyes looking almost shocked as he looked at his former teammate.

**Normal POV**

She looked so pale and thin. Her hands calloused, her hair dull, and her eyes clouded. Had he done this to her? He stopped abruptly, looking at her small frame, her hair tussled, her soft skin was scratched in various places. Surely this was not his fault.

She stood before him and all of a sudden stiffened, her eyes closed, and she choked out a strangled sob.

"I loved you!" She said looking at him, her eyes so hurt, and hating. He frowned, looking at her again.

"You always were annoying." He said and she once more let a sob escape her lips.

**Sakura POV**

"Very well" I said and raised my kunai, then took up a fighting stance.

"Neji! Get Naruto to the village!" I yelled and looked over my shoulder, watching Neji nod as she supported Naruto.

"No! Must . . . help . . . Sakura!" Naruto stuttered out in his pained state.

"I'll only stay long enough to hold him off, Naruto! Go!" I screamed, my eyes hazed over as Neji forced Naruto to walk with him. It would be unfair for him to die now! Not with his child on the way! I wouldn't let that happen . . . not now.

They were out of sight in a matter of moments, and I looked once more at Sasuke.

"Time has not changed you." I said flatly, and my eyes searched his depths for some kind of hurt, maybe sympathy, or fear. But there was nothing. I clutched the blade tighter in my freshly wrapped hand, watching as he stared down at me.

**Sasuke POV**

I watched as she tightened her grip on the kunai she held, her eyes menacing, her voice sickeningly sweet as she talked to me. She had changed, maybe a little too much. Her words now seemed etched in my brain, her voice echoing in my skull, telling me that I no longer held my reason for life.

At that moment hell engulfed me fully. I looked into eyes that could in moments watch me die. I grabbed her wrist, but she simply stood, her eyes locked on my face. I was greeted by a distant memory, one filled with haste, and the want of power.

Sakura stood looking up at him, her eyes filled with tears, her voice shaking as she begged him to stay.

"Please Sasuke-kun! I need you!" She said, her tears staining his shirt as she held on.

"Get away!" I retorted, my words making her cry harder.

"I-I love you Sasuke I love you. Please stay! I can't live without you . . ." He reached stealthily behind her neck, causing her world to black out as she fell, her weight making her collapse into his arms. "Sasu-" was all she got out before she was in a world of black.

Had those words been true? Had she not been able to live without him? His eyes drifted to the dark depths of hers. She looked to be in pain, her expression showing her wariness, once more he was greeted with a memory, this one more subtle.

"More weary have her eyes become?" Asked Orochimaru, his eyes looking sternly over at me.

"She's not the little girl you had to protect anymore. She is a lethal weapon. A machine, just as you are." I snarled, looking at the young girl walking outside our small hideout.

"She's not the same . . ." Sasuke whispered to himself as he turned away, not bothering hiding the fact that he had just said something about someone so insignificant.

She had grown into something he hardly knew, and he hated it. He looked at her, and watched as she sliced his arm with another kunai. He winced, but glared all the same.

**In hospital Normal POV**

Naruto hissed in pain as alcohol was poured onto the large gash on his arm.

"Why did you bring me here again?" He asked Neji and glared.

"To keep you from bleeding to death." He replied in a deadpan tone as usual.

"Two times two makes four!" Said Naruto in a sarcastic tone, his voice filled with anger as he looked at the man sitting across from him.

"Sakura could be hurt!" He said squirming again as the doctor stitched his wound closed. "She's a medic nin! Honestly! Why did you believe her!" Narutos' voice was harsh, and Neji snarled.

"Because she knew what she was doing and that's the way she wants it." He said, looking away and no longer speaking. Naruto glared at the back of his head.

**In the woods with Sakura and Sasuke: Sasuke POV**

Sakura gasped as she was thrown hardly into a tree. Her eyes seemed to burn me, the hatred so deep that it scorched my very soul. Sakura quickly recovered from the last hit. I dodged another hit from her.

"Just go!" I yelled as she threw another chakra powered punch at my head.

"I can't!" She yelled and then fell to her knees. Her chakra had almost been exhausted. I looked down at her fatigued body. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly. She looked up at me with fear in her eyes and I wanted to punch myself. My eyes stayed locked on her face, so hurt and exhausted, and all I could do was look at her.

"Kill me!" She screamed and my eyes widened at the statement.

"No." I said and she glared at me.

"Why do you do this to me? Why do you create so much pain and then refuse to take it away? Do something!" She said and for once in my life I felt remorse.

She had felt all this pain and I had never known, she had been through so much . . . because of me.

In a hospital Normal POV

"I have to go!" Naruto screamed as one of the nurses restrained him. "Sakura needs me!" He said and tried to pry the surprisingly strong woman off of him.

"Naruto, if you go after her now he'll never know." Said Neji and Naruto scowled.

"Blah, blah, blah. You make no sense!" Naruto exclaimed in his hazed state (They gave him codeine). Neji glared back at him.

"You really are a dobe. Listen, Sakura has not been the same since you married Hinata, you have no idea how hard this is on her, it's best that she deals with this herself." He said and Naruto glared harder.

"What if he kills her?" He asked, fighting off the nurse as she tried to pin him to the bed .

"He won't." Said Neji, not even glancing up from the magazine, he was reading.

**In the woods with Sakura and Sasuke: Sakura POV**

The blood dripped from the blade in his hand, and I looked up at him in shock. " Why?" was the only thought in my mind as he took the blade and threw it into the woods. He couldn't do it? Why? Why would he hesitate?

"Kill me dammit!" I swore, my body shaking as I cried.

He stepped closer, his dark eyes watching me as I sobbed.

"No." He said again and I watched as he came another step closer.

"Why the hell not?" I asked and he stepped in front of me.

"Because without you . . . my life is hell." He said and I gasped. Where had that came from?

"W-what" I stuttered and he smirked down at me.

"Your not dying now." He said and kneeled down before me. I looked at him through hazed eyes as I started to feel cold. I looked down at my wounds and gasped, starting to heal the larger ones.

Sasuke sat and watched, his eyes never leaving me as I healed the last critical wound. But I was weak, my body cold, and my eyes hazed. He took my hand in his, and looked down at it.

"I hate you!" I said, and he smiled in return.

"Love you, too." He said sarcastically, and I laughed for the first time in a long time. His eyebrows raised and he pulled back a bit.

"Your crazy!" I said and Sasuke looked at me quizzically.

"I'm not the only one." And that's all I remembered before I fell asleep in his arms . . . this was my hell . . . my life . . . my love . . .my Sasuke.

**In the hospital Normal POV**

Naruto growled in frustration at the woman in white.

"Let me go!" He said and the woman glared down at him.

"Your not leaving!" She yelled and he glared back.

"Let me go old lady!" He said since he hadn't known her name.

"What did you call me?" The lady asked and he cringed.

"I'm dead . . ." He said as the woman towered above him. Neji merely laughed at the sight, while reading the comic he had found among the pile of old magazines.

In the woods with Sasuke and Sakura: Normal POV

Sasuke carried Sakura, not stopping for anything or anyone. His eyes were piercing, his body tense, his expression grave . . . and he was . . . happy. He looked down at the face of Haruno Sakura, his Sakura. He wasn't about to let anyone hurt her, let alone touch her.

He made his way to the top of a hill and looked down at the gates of Konoha, it had been so long since he had been there. It looked different. The roads were filled with shops , the buildings larger, and most likely more sturdy. He sighed, only hoping he'd be vindicated of his past sins . . even though he himself was guilty about them.

He walked through the woods, coming to the entrance of Konoha, his eyes looking to the guards who were at first shocked, but then nodded in affirmation and let him enter. And then . . .

**To be continued . . .**

**Cloey Marie:** Lol, there's a lot more angst in the future . . . you'll come to find I wright a lot of that . . . lol, anyways, thanks for the review, and be sure to do it again!

**Daydreamer53221:** Thanks so much! And I hope I got this up soon enough for you . . . lol, please reivew!

_**Preview:** _

_"Stand still." _

_"Are you afraid?" _

_"We here-bye declare you-" _

_"Where'd he go?" _

_"How old?" _

_"Your weird." _

_"Sasuke!" _

_"We're here now." _

_**End**_

**A/N:** Thank you all! And you know, feel free to give me any ideas . . . I'm pretty much open to anything.


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